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I very often feel like a yummy mummy: organised, dressed nicely, make up and hair done, tidy house (most of the time😊)happy and clean baby in the pram … You would look at me today and think lucky cow: got full night of sleep, didn’t have to get up early and had a morning to herself … You couldn’t be more mistaken…. I haven’t slept for 2 night in the row now ( I don’t think that getting up every hour to crying baby you can call sleeping). I have to get up every morning at 4:15am to go to work…. The only reason You don’t get scared when you look at me it’s because I have LOTS of make up on (I am surprised that you can see my face under all of the foundation, highlighter and canceller). I am just about able to keep my eyes open but I will put a smile on my face because it makes it so much easier than being miserable. You don’t see all of the coffee I consume to get me through the day, you don’t see that I keep yawning all the time. You don’t see me eating ridiculous amount of sugary crap to keep me going (normal healthy food doesn’t work in such a extreme situations).

By the time I get home I am beyond exhausted but I get a lot of energy as soon as I see my babies cute face. I know that I have only 3,5 hours with Chloe so this time of the day is precious and I won’t let stupid tiredness get in the way. By the time Chloe is asleep I am like a zombie …. I go to bed and pray for a better night of sleep …. No ones life is perfect and easy all the time , even if it might look like it on the picture …

My maternity leave has officially finished !!!!  It’s 5am and I am on my train to work (I start at crazy 6am so we can get things done before all of you guys come shopping 😊) after not sleeping most of the night. I feel so so so sad but also pleased with myself as I didn’t burst out crying yet! 

 Yesterday has been a very emotional day, it has been a 2nd anniversary since my mum was taken away from me by the Angels and a day when I couldn’t pretend anymore that going back to work isn’t happening. 

 Realisation that I won’t be there in the morning when my daughter wakes up (shit it’s happening I am siting on the tube and I am crying !!). This will be the first time in her short life that she won’t see her mummy when she wakes up. 

 Realisation that I won’t be there to have a breakfast with her and a morning cuddle (people will start giving me funny looks if I don’t stop crying …) 

 Realisation that someone else will be seeing her cheeky smile through the day, someone else will be putting her to sleep and comforting her is she is upset …

 Realisation that I will see her only 3,5 hours in the day ( god I didn’t take any tissues with me !!!) 

 Plan to survive today is to not think about Chloe and could down time until I can run back home. 

 I know that with time I will be fine and that millions of women go through this every year and they are fine …. But right now at this time I feel horrible…. 

Ps: I have managed to stop crying !