Going back to work … ο»Ώ

I need to grow some balls, and grow them quickly! ! 

Today I am going back to work 😒I can’t even tell you why am I so upset. Is it because I had to leave my girls ? Is it because I know that I won’t see them all the time? Is it because I am going back to work ? It is because I won’t be the first one to see every single new thing that Skylar will do? Is it because I am worried that Skylar won’t know what is going one? Is it because I worry that she will think that I abounded her ? Is it because I won’t be there for my girls all the time, and every time that they needs me? It’s probably all of the above. I know that the nursery is good for kids, they learn a lot there, do loads of things that I wouldn’t do with them at home, teaches them social skills etc. But the truth is : no one, no matter how amazing they are (girls do have an amazing grandparents) will be able to look after your child as well as you are. 

I know that after few weeks we all will be fine, settled in to our new routine, making the most of our new life … but until then I will have a cry here and there … 


2 months ago I have written a post about my heartbreak of having to go back to work. How I didn’t want to do it, and I couldn’t imagine how I will cope with leaving Chloe. I must say that as all of you advised; it wasn’t that bad. 

 Don’t get me wrong, first week was hard!!! Evening before going back to work I was a mess !On the first day I cried all the time, and I didnt enjoy being back at work. By the end of week two it felt as if I had never been away on maternity leave. 😊

 I am lucky to have a job which I am passionate about and which keeps me so busy that the day just flies by.

 It’s not easy being a working mum (especially living with the guilt of leaving your child all the time) but if you get organised its not that hard at all. The key is to rest once everything is done; not the other way around πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ That way you are tired  but you have everything under control. This is an example of a day of a working mum:
4:15 am – Alarm goes off , it’s time to start the day ! On a good night I will sleep undisturbed for a whole night , on a bad one I will be lucky to get 2 hours all together! (a teething baby is worse than having a new born baby!!!!!) Get ready for work creeping around the house so that I don’t wake up Hubby or Chloe is the norm, (I even worry that my bones are making too much noise). 

4:50am- make sure that everything is ready for my parents in law to look after Chloe (notes, food etc) or that Chloe has everything packed for the nursery.

5:00 am – out of the house to get a train, then a tube … and another tube … This also is my breakfast time, and that’s when my caffeine deprivation starts to kick in … It’s 5 am and I had only one coffee !!!!!!   

6:00 am – start work and keep dreaming about coffee until around 10am – that’s my next caffeine fix 😁. Once I get to work I don’t have time for anything, it’s full on from 6am until 3pm. This is great as I don’t have the time to miss Chloe (or eat). I make one quick phonecall to make sure that Chloe is ok and to hear that she is doing amazingly well and isn’t  missing her mummy at all (which is great but also a little bit upsetting… How can you not miss your mummy ?!) 

3:00pm – finish work (or should have finished but its very rare that I get out in time) and run home as fast as I can to see my baby.

 4:00pm – 5:30pm is the precious time I get to spend with my daughter! Sometimes I get home to an amazing welcome with happy screams, hugs and kisses. Sometimes to Chloe screaming with excitement at the sound of the door then seeing that it’s me, saying Heeyyyaaa and going back to play …( Eehh thanks for that… I haven’t been missing you all day at all…)

 This is the precious time that I have with Chloe to play and have quality time with her.  I leave my phone and don’t look at it (95% of the time😁), I dont tidy, I don’t cook I just enjoy her.  It is by far the best time of the day.

 5:30pm -6:00pm prepare dinner for me, my husband and Chloe. You see I don’t cook in the week I prepare all of my meals over the weekend and just finish them off on the day or just reheat them. Chloe’s precious 2 hour nap in the afternoon is a 2 hour cooking session for me. I tend to cook one meal and prepare another one for the evening. 

6:00pm Daddy comes back home (at best but it can be much later dependent on his work) and we have a family dinner. 

6:30pm bath and bed time story. 

7:00pm Chloe is alsleep and us (Chloes little servantsπŸ˜‚) get to work with preparing food for Chloe for the next day, writing notes for grandparents, preparing Chloe’s clothes, etc. 

7:30pm -8:00pm tidy up all of the toys and then we can sit down with a glass of wine,  relax and have some grown up time. 

10:00pm – ZZZZzzzzzzzz

 It is a very full on day, and you don’t stop until you collapse on the sofa in the evening. But if you are organised it’s not hard at all (just a little bit tiring) 

Work 😫😫😫

 I had to slowly start thinking about work. Needing to organise meeting with work to talk about returning after maternity; organise some keep in touch days so I know what was happening while I was gone (fashion never sleeps as we say where I work-lots to catch up on) and the worst of all needing to start to leave my little precious girl with other people. 

 Unfortunately due to my work I won’t be able to go back part time … This makes it harder, especially that all of the other mums are going back back part time. 

 I started to make small steps by having grandparents over for few hours observing how I do things with Chloe. Then leaving Chloe for an hour, then for 3 hours (it was the longest I could do). 

 First of my keep in touch days Chloe’s grandad was looking after her … With my husband who I made to work from home so he can keep an eye on everything. Not that there is anything to worry about, Grandad is amazing withChloe, and he knows what he is doing but I just can’t bring myself to leave her for more than few hours with anyone other than my husband. I have done 2 keep in touch days so far and because my husband was working from home it wasn’t too bad… I just don’t know how will I be able to go back full time to work???!!!!! Right now I don’t know how I will do it… I will have to somehow… Everyone else is doing it so it can’t be that bad???? My friend just went back to work and she is loving it ???? Just thinking about it is stressing me out !!!!  

KEEP IN TOUCH DAY … More like the worst day of my life !!!

Keep in touch day at work … We all need to do it in a build up to the maternity leave finishing (can’t even think about it!!!!!!!). So today is the day that I need to leave my baby and go for few hours to work !!!!  Leaving the house and saying my goodbye was one of the hardest things in my life ! I have left Chloe with her dad and grandfather which is making it much easier …. Right? So why was I in tears leaving the house ??????  It’s so so so hard … I can’t even think about how will I be able to go back to work full time ???? Leave Chloe in the nursery or only with grandparents without my husband checking that Chloe is ok ??? 

 On one hand I just want to shout : I QUIT, I DONT WANT TO WORK !  I want to be at home withy baby …. On the other hand I know that it’s good for her to be surrounded by other people, and that I go back to work so she can have everything that she needs and wants… There is also this small part of me thinking that I nee to think about my future and my carrier …. 




Before Chloe was born you would hear me say : I am coming back to work after 6 months on maternity. You see I was a workaholic and I loved my job in fashion! Soon after Chloe was born only thinking about work and needing to live Chloe was stressing me out. My beautiful baby has totally changed me and the way a see work. I quickly decided that I am taking my full one year maternity leave (it’s very fortunate that I can do it) and decided not to think about it. 

 But now as Chloe is 8 month old I have had no choice but to face the fear of going back to work.  What was making the whole process worst is the fact that all of my mum friends are going back to work part time (most of them are teachers) and I know that I won’t be able to do it.  I work for one of the biggest fashion high street brands as a Visual Merchandiser Menager … We know that fashion and retail aren’t really baby friendly + you simply can’t do my job for only 3 days a week. The whole situation was making me feel really shit! Even the fact that my in laws will be looking after Chloe for 3 days a week wasn’t making me feel any better … Why? Because simply no one can look after her as well as I can ! No one knows my baby as well as I do!  

 So I had a meeting with work to discuss going back, what are my expectation, how flexible am I ect. But it does feels a bit like a waste of time as I know that they won’t accommodate what I really want. So we have this meeting where they are pretending that they care and are open minded ( if you are not flexible or want to do part time you will need to step down) ; and where I am pretending that I want to do full time and that I am excited to go back 😁 . The whole meeting is just a joke 😁

 But I got the ball rolling which I am proud of, now I am trying to see how far I can push. I will return to work few weeks later than my maternity finishes which is amazing as it gives me 3 more weeks with my girl. I have also asked to work for the first few months 4 days a week … Let’s see if they will agree to it….

 I have some keep in touch days coming up … That shall be interesting as I have never left my baby for a long time ! 

What I am trying to do very hard is not to think about going back and pretending that it’s not happening 😊